From Paris With Love is Stupid

"From Paris With Love" starring John Travolta hits theaters next weekend. I haven't seen the movie, but I know it's stupid for the reason that it's using other movies to sell itself. A lot of movies use other movies to sell itself, but they acknowledge that they're doing so. "From the director of "Knocked Up" comes "Funny People", or "From the people who brought you "Shaun of the Dead"... "Hot Fuzz." That's fine. "From Paris With Love" even does that by saying "From the director of "Taken." Great.

But, this stupid movie is using a James Bond title and just changing the location. Believe it or not, there are idiots that will reason that since they enjoyed "From Russia With Love", they should see this.

Secondly, in one of the trailers John Travolta says, "Every man has his vice. Mine is a Royale with cheese." The only reason anyone in America knows what a Royale with cheese is comes from what John Travolta said sixteen years ago in "Pulp Fiction". John Travolta, guns, Royale with cheese. Hmm. This movie must be as good as "Pulp Fiction". Right? Wrong.

Last, they talk about the "Karate Kid" in another one of the scenes in a trailer. Are you kidding me? Stop. Be your own movie.

Go away.

Avatar, A Two Hour and Forty Minute Condom Commercial

I like the movie almost as much as everyone else does. It looked absolutely unbelievable, it took CGI to a new level, and the colors alone made me wish I was a drug user. Overall, it's twelve dollars well spent. It did its job. I was entertained.

There was just one thing I couldn't get past- the story between Sully and Neytiri. I can't watch sex between a human and some smurf on steroids and not think it to be absolutely ridiculous, if not slightly repulsive. How is that not bestiality? Because it's not actually his body? Really? Come on. That doesn't work for me. Remember how great it felt for him to run for the first time? It was his body, just not his human body. And this body was able to make everything seem just as real as if he experienced it in his human body. So, the sex will still seem real, right?

http://www.movieline.com/2010/01/avatars-deleted-sex-scene-straight-from-the-script.php

You're telling me putting my mind inside something else allows me to sleep with anything? Not anyone, anything? Why is that not disgusting? At least since its not technically his body, there is no chance of him catching whatever diseases the blue thing might have.

Most people I've talked to are fine with it. It's not disgusting to them. I think people don't want to admit that this great spectacle of a movie has this love story that is just so incredibly stupid, they're willing to make excuses for it. These are all things I've heard.

1. "Well, every movie needs a good love story." Great. I vaguely recall Sigourney Weaver playing a human in the movie. She and Sully even hated each other in the beginning. There's an opportunity. Maybe, after sharing a bond to save this incredible planet, they overcome their hatred and fall in love. No? Instead, Sully bangs a blue thing. Which can only make me think that James Cameron decided that sleeping with Sigourney Weaver is more disgusting than sleeping with an alien. Close, but no.

2. "Sully's legs didn't work, so he liked life better in his Avatar." The key word here is legs. His legs didn't work. Lieutenant Dan didn't even have legs. Did he ever jump off the shrimping boat looking for a dolphin to take home? No. Not only is that repulsing, it's incredibly stupid to put in a movie. Good Old Dan stuck to women who tasted like cigarettes.

3. "The blue thing was kind of hot." A black lab is a beautiful animal, but if it humps my leg I'm going to kick it in the face.

4. "At least it was under that tree that looked really cool." What?

Everyone is okay with going inside your little blue suit to have sex with aliens?

Maybe if Trojan hired Cameron twenty-five years ago, there would be no AIDs because as long as you're in your avatar, you're not technically touching.