Changes

Today, I am Joey Version 9,295.

From Paris With Love is Stupid

"From Paris With Love" starring John Travolta hits theaters next weekend. I haven't seen the movie, but I know it's stupid for the reason that it's using other movies to sell itself. A lot of movies use other movies to sell itself, but they acknowledge that they're doing so. "From the director of "Knocked Up" comes "Funny People", or "From the people who brought you "Shaun of the Dead"... "Hot Fuzz." That's fine. "From Paris With Love" even does that by saying "From the director of "Taken." Great.

But, this stupid movie is using a James Bond title and just changing the location. Believe it or not, there are idiots that will reason that since they enjoyed "From Russia With Love", they should see this.

Secondly, in one of the trailers John Travolta says, "Every man has his vice. Mine is a Royale with cheese." The only reason anyone in America knows what a Royale with cheese is comes from what John Travolta said sixteen years ago in "Pulp Fiction". John Travolta, guns, Royale with cheese. Hmm. This movie must be as good as "Pulp Fiction". Right? Wrong.

Last, they talk about the "Karate Kid" in another one of the scenes in a trailer. Are you kidding me? Stop. Be your own movie.

Go away.

Avatar, A Two Hour and Forty Minute Condom Commercial

I like the movie almost as much as everyone else does. It looked absolutely unbelievable, it took CGI to a new level, and the colors alone made me wish I was a drug user. Overall, it's twelve dollars well spent. It did its job. I was entertained.

There was just one thing I couldn't get past- the story between Sully and Neytiri. I can't watch sex between a human and some smurf on steroids and not think it to be absolutely ridiculous, if not slightly repulsive. How is that not bestiality? Because it's not actually his body? Really? Come on. That doesn't work for me. Remember how great it felt for him to run for the first time? It was his body, just not his human body. And this body was able to make everything seem just as real as if he experienced it in his human body. So, the sex will still seem real, right?

http://www.movieline.com/2010/01/avatars-deleted-sex-scene-straight-from-the-script.php

You're telling me putting my mind inside something else allows me to sleep with anything? Not anyone, anything? Why is that not disgusting? At least since its not technically his body, there is no chance of him catching whatever diseases the blue thing might have.

Most people I've talked to are fine with it. It's not disgusting to them. I think people don't want to admit that this great spectacle of a movie has this love story that is just so incredibly stupid, they're willing to make excuses for it. These are all things I've heard.

1. "Well, every movie needs a good love story." Great. I vaguely recall Sigourney Weaver playing a human in the movie. She and Sully even hated each other in the beginning. There's an opportunity. Maybe, after sharing a bond to save this incredible planet, they overcome their hatred and fall in love. No? Instead, Sully bangs a blue thing. Which can only make me think that James Cameron decided that sleeping with Sigourney Weaver is more disgusting than sleeping with an alien. Close, but no.

2. "Sully's legs didn't work, so he liked life better in his Avatar." The key word here is legs. His legs didn't work. Lieutenant Dan didn't even have legs. Did he ever jump off the shrimping boat looking for a dolphin to take home? No. Not only is that repulsing, it's incredibly stupid to put in a movie. Good Old Dan stuck to women who tasted like cigarettes.

3. "The blue thing was kind of hot." A black lab is a beautiful animal, but if it humps my leg I'm going to kick it in the face.

4. "At least it was under that tree that looked really cool." What?

Everyone is okay with going inside your little blue suit to have sex with aliens?

Maybe if Trojan hired Cameron twenty-five years ago, there would be no AIDs because as long as you're in your avatar, you're not technically touching.

Edamame

Why do we have to call edamame "edamame"?   Why can't we just call it what it is?  Peas.  Specifically, peas you eat while the Japanese man prepares your sushi.

Top Five Most Painful Losses in Joey History

5.  Cardinals at Dodgers.  Game 2.  NLDS 2009

Tonight

Dodgers 3 Cardinals 2

After Wainwright throws 7 near perfect innings and escapes a bases loaded jam in the 9th to deliver the game to his bull pen with a 2-1 lead and 3 outs go, the Cards lose to go down 2-0 in the series. Bottom of the 9th, Cards still led 2-1, 2 outs and Loney lined out to left.  But, Holiday missed the ball and let it hit him in the nuts.  Now the tying run is on second. But, Franklin, our all-star closer just needed to get one out.  He didn't.  Instead, the next four guys reached and the Cards lost 3-2 and are all but out of the 2009 playoffs before Busch Stadium even opened its gates.

After looking at the pitching matchups for game one and two, it was hard not to think that the cardinals would be heading home up 2-0.  Carpenter vs Wolf, Wainwright vs Kershaw.  That looks good on paper.  But, Carpenter didn't have his stuff in game one and the Cards couldn't cash in on a gem from Wainwright.  Didn't happen.

4.  USA Vs Brazil.  Final.  2009 Confederations Cup.  

6.28.09

Brazil 3  USA 2

USA was coming off arguably the biggest win in US soccer history.  Unarugably, it was one of the biggest upsets in international sporting history.  They beat Spain, a team that hadn't lost in 3 years.  Their reward was a matchup with Brazil, the world's all time power, in the championship.  No one thought we'd win.  I figured we'd lose by at least 3.  We had just lost to them 3-0  a week earlier in the same tournament.  

But, not even ten minutes in Dempsey scored.  1-0 USA.  I'm thinking, "Crazier things have happened."  Then fifteen minutes later Donovan made it 2-0 and holy hell, the United States might actually win this tournament.  

Then the half time whistle and the US still led 2-0.  

Then 46 seconds into the 2nd half, Brazil struck.  Then they scored again and the refs missed it.  US still led 2-1.  Then they scored again.  And again.  3-2.  Lightning doesn't strike twice.  The US fell short.

3.  Houston Astros at St. Louis Cardinals.  2005 NLCS Game 5 

 10.19.05

Houston Astros 5  St. Louis Cardinals 1

Just two nights after Albert Pujols single handedly ruined Brad Lidge's career as a Houston Astro, the Cardinals played their last game in the real Busch Stadium.  And they did so with hardly a  whimper.  The Cardinals mustered just four hits as Roy Oswalt completely shut them down and won himself the NLCS MVP.  It was the end of a Cardinal team that had won 100 games two years in a row and it was the end of the stadium.  

I went to the game with my friend, Vivek.  To make things worse, in the 5th inning, when the Cardinals still had just one hit, Vivek was talking about where to go after the game to drink.  Really?  We had one hit, Vivek.  Come on, you kidding me?  Priorities.  After that one I'd rather go to a game with a girl wearing a stupid pink Cardinals hat than him.    

2. Colorado Avalanche at St. Louis Blues  2001 Western Conference Finals Game 4

Colorado Avalanche 4  St. Louis Blues 3  in OT

5.16.01

The Blues fell behind 3 games to 1 and all likelihood of them making the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time in my life became incredibly slim.  Of course, they did lose the next game and get eliminated.  

The Blues fell behind 3-0 in the first period.  They slowly fought back and eventually tied it in the 3rd on a goal from Scott Young.  They were controlling the game and everything looked good.  Except Patrick Roy was and will always be better than Roman Turek.  The Avs won in overtime as Roy stole the game from the Blues.

1.  Boston Red Sox at St. Louis Cardinals  2004 World Series game 3

Boston Red Sox 4  St. Louis Cardinals 1

10.26.04

The 105 win St. Louis Cardinals fell behind 3-0 to the douche bag Red Sox.  I, along with the rest of St. Louis, came to the realization that the Cardinals would be the team that the Red Sox would finally end their World Series slump against.  But, wait, it's the Red Sox.  They're cursed.  Them, if anyone, would go ahead 3-0 and blow it after coming from behind 3 games to none in the previous series, right?  Wrong.

Jeff Suppan forgot how to run the bases and that was enough for the Red Sox to pull away in the series.  They won the next night 3-0 and St. Louis went home waiting for next year, which really just turned into two years later and all was fine.

Honorable Mentions

2005 NLCS Game 4 - Astros 2 Cardinals 1

John Mabry is the slowest man alive.

2000 Wester Conference Quarter Finals Game 7 - Sharks at Blues

The President's Trophy Winning Blues got knocked out in the first round.  Owen Nolan scored from the red line.

1996 Western Conference Semi Finals Game 7 Blues at Red Wings

Yzerman scored in 2ot to eliminate the Blues and send Gretzky to the Rangers.

2002 District Finals De Smet 1 Parkway Central 0

My high school soccer career ended.

1991 Virginia 3 SLU 2 in the Final Four

Joe Clarke's team got knocked out in the final four.

Messing with people on Craigslist

I was inspired by this website http://www.dontevenreply.com/ to start messing with people on craigslist.  It's not that easy.  Usually people don't respond and when they do they usually quickly realize that I'm just messing with them.  

However, I have had a few email chains that have been successful.  This is one of those.

The ad was saying that she was willing to babysit in exchange for designer clothes and purses.  It explained that she was unemployed and had a five year old that was just starting school.  This is ridiculous for obvious reasons that I don't need to explain. 

Here you go.

Joey Clarke Jr  to sale-qcppg-138.

Sept 22

My wife and I are looking for a babysitter for next week.  Fortunately, my wife works for Prada.  She'll be able to

 tell you more about the products and what have you.  What is your availability for next week? 

Thanks,

Joe  

_________

Caren to me

Sounds good,I am free all next week. The only thing is my son goes to school at 10:45 and I get him at 2:10. Please let me know the hours and I might be able to have my son picked up from school. Thanks    

_____________

Joey to Caren

That should work fine.  Our daughter goes to school at 9:00 to 3:00.  So you can just do the drop offs/pick ups in one fell swoop.  We don't have a problem with you bringing your son over to our house as well if your husband cannot pick him up.  What in particular are you looking for in terms of products? 

______________

Careb to me

Sounds good! I am looking for a nice purses or shoes perfume stylish clothes. 

______________

*** Starting here, I set up another email address for "My wife" to get her involved with the situation.

Joey to Caren, Tina

Caren,

Sounds great.  I've included my wife on this email, so that she can see what you're looking for and possibly pick them up tomorrow at work.

Thanks,

Joe

______________

Caren to me, Tina

Ok great sounds like fun! ttyl

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Tina to me, Caren

Caren,

I apologize that my husband is a moron, but lets start from the beginning.  I'd like to get to know you a little bit before I agree to let you watch our children.  I'm not sure why Joe thought he didn't need to get any references, any background information, or ask any questions whatsoever, but I'm not sure why Joe thinks a lot of things.  

So, if you don't mind.  I'd love for you to send me some references, a resume of any relevant work, and just a few paragraphs telling me about yourself.  Even answering why getting some Prada gear is so important to you would be great. JK!!  I know why!! ;)

I'm aware that you have a five year old son.  That's fantastic.  Our youngest daughter, Megan, is seven.  Then Katie is 12 and Jared is 21.  Please let me know your experience with those ages as well. I look forward to meeting with you.

Tina

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Joey to Tina, Caren

Tina,

That's ridiculous.  You think I didn't ask her about her credintials?  That'd be something you would do and then stick it in your mouth.  

I've got all the info.

Caren,

Ignore her.  I'll go over everything that we spoke about on the phone with Tina and everything should be fine.  

Best,

Joe

_____________

Joey to Caren

Caren,

Do you mind answering Tina's questions in an email addressed just to me?  I'll never hear the end of it if she finds out that I didn't actually ask any questions.  She's a great woman, but she can really dwell on things.

Thanks for your understanding.

Joe

____________

Caren to Joe

Hello, Joe, here are some references Nancy and Jason Hawk there number is  (***)***- ****   
I babysit for them now & then
michael was my old boss I worked for him at a shoe store for 6 years his number is *** ***-**** the company name is Chic Wide Shoes.
I have a resume I just got a scanner I am hooking it up right, I will send a copy to you.
I know you said you have a 21 year old, I just want to let you know that i am 27 a really responsible 27 year old. 
I am sending a couple pictures of myself and I would be willing to meet you ahead of time.
  
I was the nanny for another five year old, I really enjoyed picking him up from school. I would have him eat a snack and due his homework first, then take him to play at the park. The same thing goes for my son. 
   I am always watching my husbands new few he is 12. I think that 12 year olds need a little more attention because they are 12 (pre-teen). 
  and I know you have a 21 year old son, what kind of care would he be needed? 
    I will get my resume to you a sap please let me know if you have any more questions and sorry for the delay.      
 
                            Sincerely,
                                          Caren Lapidus  

_________

*She also included two pictures of her with her kid here.  I'm not putting those up, but she's pretty good looking.

__________

Joey to Caren

Caren,

Thanks for just sending that to me, so it looks like I got it all earlier.  I'm glad we're on the same page.

Joe

__________

Joey to Caren, Tina

Caren,

I spoke with Tina and gave her all the information you gave me a couple of days ago.  We both agree that you make a good fit with our children.  So, consider yourself hired.

As far as Jared goes, our 21 year old, essentially you just need to make sure he doesn't leave the house.  He's finishing his last month of house arrest and for whatever reason, he doesn't think it necessary to stay inside unless someone watches him.  You also need to keep him out of the liquor cabinet and make sure to report if you smell anything funny coming from his room.  He also has a little trick where he puts a towel down at the bottom of the door to block the crack, this keeps the smell inside his room.  So, just check on that periodically.   

With Katie and Megan, it seems you have the proper experience and know exactly what to do with them.  Looking forward to it.

Thanks,

Joe

_________

Caren to Me, Tina

Tina and Joe, that sounds great! I will let you know if i suspect anything funnys going on, I look forward to meeting the booth of you and the kids. Please give me the dates and times. Thank you and I will talk to you later.                
 
                                                        Sincerely,
                                                                     Caren

________________

Tina to Me, Caren

Caren,

Cute baby!  So on Monday if you could be here at 9 AM, that would be great, and we'll start from there.  You can leave at noon when I get home from work.

_______________

Caren to Me, Tina

Sounds fun.  Whats the address?

___________________

Me to Caren, Tina

Caren,

Tina forgot.  We have a thing at five.  So you can be here from nine to noon.  Then come back around five until we get home around nine, that would be great.  

Thanks,

Joe

_____________________

Caren to Me, Tina

Ok????  You still haven't given me the address.

_____________________

Tina to Me, Caren

Caren,

We're also going to need you to come back around 2Am.  That's the normal time that Jared likes to sneak out with his friends.  If he doesn't sneak out, he'll usually try to sneak friends in.  As we both have jobs, unlike you, we'll need to be sleeping.  Thereby, it'll be better if you come by at 2AM to check on him rather than us.  

Thanks,

Tina

___________

She didn't respond to that.

Applying to work as a Beverage Cart Attendant

I'm unemployed and seeking a part time job.  I found an ad for a beverage cart attendant at a golf course in Long Beach.  I thought that sounded fun.  Here is a copy of the cover letter I sent.

September 10, 2009

Dear Hiring Manager:

I found your ad on craigslist for a beverage cart attendant.  While I do not have any direct experience working on a golf course or a beverage cart, I have delivered pizzas.  That's pretty similar, except a little different. 

I feel I would make an ideal candidate for a beverage cart attendant as I am outgoing, friendly, responsible, and available to work weekends and holidays.  In addition, I have driven a lot of golf carts and never flipped one.  I have 20/20 vision.  Thereby, reading the signs that will notify me to stay on the cart path will not be a problem.  I am very familiar with the break on left, gas on right format that most carts have come to adopt over the history of golf carts.   I will drive safely, be on time to work, and serve the golfers needs.   I wouldn't say that I am a good golfer, but I do like golf and I know that Tiger is sponsored by Nike, Buick, Gatoraide (AKA G), and probably some more stuff.  If you want, I will even fix disrespectful golfers divots.  

I spent the past  year and half working as an assistant to a talent manager and decided that working in an office is not fun.  Thereby, working on a golf course would be a much more enjoyable way for me to make a semi-living.  I am also a fun person to be around and will easily make the golfers laugh, which will make their experience much better.  In the past, I have noticed that most beverage cart attendants are good looking girls.  Seeing as I am not that good looking and not a girl, I don't have much to offer in that regard.  However, my sense of humor will more than compensate.

I have experience in customer service through working as a pizza delivery driver and as a book seller at Borders.  The pizza place I worked at was while I was living in St. Louis.  It was a place called Imo's and is quite a delicious pizza if you ever happen to be in St. Louis.  They use a cheese called provel that is only available in St. Louis.  It is a mixture of mozzarella, provolone, and cheddar.  I think.  It is also made on a thin crust that a lot of my out of town friends referred to as crackers.  If you'd like, I can see if I can carry some of this St. Louis style pizza around on the beverage cart.  

Please feel free to contact me via email at jmclarkejr22@gmail.com or phone at (314) 795-1774.  I thank you for reading my letter and look forward to driving your beverage cart around what I presume to be a beautiful golf course with multiple lakes.

Best,

Joey Clarke

P.S. I don't work outside if there are mosquitos or it is over 80 degrees.

I'm still waiting to hear back.  Hopefully, they haven't already hired some good looking, unqualified 19 year old girl.