Employment by Air and Sea

It has recently come to my attention that I am unemployed. In order to remedy the situation, I have sent off my resume to many companies in the entertainment field – my so called field of minor expertise-, I have driven around and dropped off resumes at all kinds of places – books stores, restaurants, grocery stores, comedy clubs, etc- and I have told people to do me a favor and hire me. But, I’m still unemployed. I am doing some freelance work to get by, but the fact remains that I am unemployed. The economy sucks and that sucks for people like me. Thus, I am seeking employment from you. Yes, you, the person who found this. Because why the hell not?

While looking at the crap shoot that is sending your resume out, I realized my piece of paper is going against hundreds if not thousands of other pieces of paper in a competeition to get me into the door. Thus, I need to send it out as many times as possible. Then it hit me. I’m only using one element to get my resume out – land. I’m not using water, air or fire. Thus, I have put my resume in a bottle and thrown it out to sea to utilize water. To conquer the air, I have tied my resume to helium balloons and let them fly. Fire seems counter productive, because if I burn my resume no one will be able to read it. I’m skipping that one.


My first attempt with the balloons failed. I let go of the balloons and they flew directly into my neighbor's house and popped. So, I went down the street and launched them from the middle of the park. They flew pretty far. They might still be going, I don't know. Then, I dropped to bottle of the end of Manhattan Beach pier. It kind of just sat around the same spot for a few minutes and I left. I don't know if it went out to sea or if its underneath the pier. Either way, I'm utilizing three of the four elements in my job search.

I will keep you updated with the results of my air and sea employment.

Applying to work as a Beverage Cart Attendant

I'm unemployed and seeking a part time job.  I found an ad for a beverage cart attendant at a golf course in Long Beach.  I thought that sounded fun.  Here is a copy of the cover letter I sent.

September 10, 2009

Dear Hiring Manager:

I found your ad on craigslist for a beverage cart attendant.  While I do not have any direct experience working on a golf course or a beverage cart, I have delivered pizzas.  That's pretty similar, except a little different. 

I feel I would make an ideal candidate for a beverage cart attendant as I am outgoing, friendly, responsible, and available to work weekends and holidays.  In addition, I have driven a lot of golf carts and never flipped one.  I have 20/20 vision.  Thereby, reading the signs that will notify me to stay on the cart path will not be a problem.  I am very familiar with the break on left, gas on right format that most carts have come to adopt over the history of golf carts.   I will drive safely, be on time to work, and serve the golfers needs.   I wouldn't say that I am a good golfer, but I do like golf and I know that Tiger is sponsored by Nike, Buick, Gatoraide (AKA G), and probably some more stuff.  If you want, I will even fix disrespectful golfers divots.  

I spent the past  year and half working as an assistant to a talent manager and decided that working in an office is not fun.  Thereby, working on a golf course would be a much more enjoyable way for me to make a semi-living.  I am also a fun person to be around and will easily make the golfers laugh, which will make their experience much better.  In the past, I have noticed that most beverage cart attendants are good looking girls.  Seeing as I am not that good looking and not a girl, I don't have much to offer in that regard.  However, my sense of humor will more than compensate.

I have experience in customer service through working as a pizza delivery driver and as a book seller at Borders.  The pizza place I worked at was while I was living in St. Louis.  It was a place called Imo's and is quite a delicious pizza if you ever happen to be in St. Louis.  They use a cheese called provel that is only available in St. Louis.  It is a mixture of mozzarella, provolone, and cheddar.  I think.  It is also made on a thin crust that a lot of my out of town friends referred to as crackers.  If you'd like, I can see if I can carry some of this St. Louis style pizza around on the beverage cart.  

Please feel free to contact me via email at jmclarkejr22@gmail.com or phone at (314) 795-1774.  I thank you for reading my letter and look forward to driving your beverage cart around what I presume to be a beautiful golf course with multiple lakes.

Best,

Joey Clarke

P.S. I don't work outside if there are mosquitos or it is over 80 degrees.

I'm still waiting to hear back.  Hopefully, they haven't already hired some good looking, unqualified 19 year old girl.